Today is a sad day in the history of ‘mankind’. It turns out some idiot of a U.S. Judge, has revealed mans age old secret.
Since Eve was tempted by the serpent to taste the truth, six thousand years ago, there has been one truth that has still eluded ‘womankind’. Until now.
Even the British government has had to hold up its hands, and pledge to extend paid paternity leave in the wake of this revelation. I refer to of course, the fact that men can actually lactate.
As men, we’ve been having an easy time of it, coasting along, knowing full well that we could help our subservient wives rear our offspring, but choose to go down the boozer, sink a few with the lads, and watch the ‘big game’.
These are dark days my friends. Along with breastfeeding our young uns, we will be expected to help wash the dishes, and work the vacuum cleaner. Heaven forbid, some of us may even have to learn how to use a washing machine! The fact that I may have to grow a moustache, don stockings, and learn how to sing “I Want To Break Free”, brings me out in a cold sweat I can tell you!
Our secret has become common knowledge, thanks to some dim witted employee of the Nationwide Insurance Company in the U.S. They forced a new mum, on the day she returned from maternity leave, to sign a letter of resignation, and told her to “go home and be with your babies”, after she had asked if she could have somewhere private to express and store milk for her baby.
Angela Ames took the company to court for unfair dismissal, on the grounds of sexual discrimination. The court, justifiably threw this out, because discriminating against pregnant women at work, isn’t sex discrimination, quoting, both men and women can be “non-pregnant”, and that the statement, “go home and be with your babies”, is in fact, gender neutral.
Can you imagine the audacity of this woman, to ask permission to use the company’s “lactation room”, when she hadn’t filed the proper paperwork, a mere three days, before she needed to use it!
Regardless of the facts of this case, the problem still remains, that our secret has now been revealed to the world. No longer can we hide the fact that that men can produce milk for our offspring. I can hear the cries of women everywhere as they remove their bras, and set them alight, demanding “equality of the sexes” or some such nonsense.
These truly are sad time guy’s.
The only silver lining I can offer up to this news, is to sell your shares in eggnog ASAP, before the world discovers the truth to its secret ingredient.
*Disclaimer. Just incase you weren’t aware, my tongue can be found lodged firmly in my cheek.
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Be dobby, smeck grimly, and skvat jeezny by the sharries droogs!