It would appear that being embarrassed by our kith and kin, happens on a daily basis, regardless of geography or social status, (Prince Philip springs instantly to mind), and everyone and their dog are more than happy to share their most embarrassing moments with the world.
A few choice words, tippy tapped into t’interweb, and the world, as they say, is your bivalve mollusc. Some people even go as far as to try and make £250, by sending said moment on video, to a TV company that will ridicule them even further.
There must be a bazillion individual stories out there, and as far as I can see they can be boiled down into three different categories. Bodily functions, sex, and the bizarre.
I’m too long in the tooth to be embarrassed about ending up in the proverbial sh*t, and there’s not a lot about sex, that’s going to throw me a curve ball. Besides, there’s a mountain of that stuff out there for you to troll. It’s the bizarre that I’m more interested in. And boy have I got some doozies for you.
Praise be to Thoth, I haven’t had many really embarrassing moments with my two year old, but I’m sure there’s plenty of time. My father on the other hand is a constant source of the proverbial face palm. He is always telling young women, terribly sexist jokes, the likes of which I daren’t repeat. (No, he’s not Prince Philip. Close but no Cohiba).
The only two, shall we say ‘moments’, with my troublesome truck, that I can recall being particularly red faced, (or rather share with the public to save me further embarrassment from my wonderful wife), are as follows.
1. My son trying to blow raspberries on the bellies of all my customers, whilst at work on a Sunday afternoon. The rest of the pub were rolling around in fits of laughter, my face, however, was planted firmly in the palm of my hand.
2. Whistling for his mothers attention, like she’s a dog. When I say whistle, what I really mean, is put his fingers in his mouth and give a two-tone ear splitting scream. I thought it was wonderful when he first emulated me whistling the dogs while we were out walking. The day I heard him whistle my wife, and she asked what he was doing…well…urm…turns out he’d been doing it a while, but she wasn’t sure what it was all about.
It occurred to me that with the progression of time, the opportunity for embarrassing moments become more prevalent, so I asked some of my friends, whose children are now into adulthood, and the following stories are what they would allow me to share. It would appear, the older we get the worse the stories become.
• A little white lie a father told his son in jest, came back to bite him in the bum, when the teacher asked about his sons essay. He had regaled the story of how his dad drove a tank in the Boer war.
• A son kept pinching lit cigarettes from the ashtray to try them. After being told many times not to, he still continued, until the day they put a cigar in the ashtray. Needless to say, the boy began to cough and splutter. He then reached for the nearest drink, which happened to be grandma’s whisky and coke. Apparently grandma ended up wearing the contents of the glass.
• A friends daughter was doing the honours of house and dog sitting, whilst they went on holiday for a week. She had the shock of her life when the dog gave her a set of false teeth. Turns out dad had lost his set the week before, and the dog had buried them in the garden.
This final story was regaled to me buy a friend, who’s wife works in a care home. As to its authenticity I can’t say, but if it is true, I would have been dishing out one hell of a slapping!
• A couple took their elderly mother to a care home and plonked her into a chair, in front of the telly in the common room. The staff assumed she was there visiting a resident, and thought no more of the matter. After visiting was over, staff became concerned so they asked her why she was there. A quick phone call to her son, revealed that he was about to get on a plane and would be back in two weeks.
I know you have your stories, and you’re itching to tell us all. So over to you. Come on, don’t be shy. I want to have to get the sewing kit out, and stitch my sides back together.
(Disclaimer: If your sides split, reading the following posts, I’m not going to cover your medical bills).
The Vampire Chronicles
Be dobby, smeck grimly, and skvat jeezny by the sharries droogs!