‘Gooey Louie’

So having a child attached to my hip 24/7, means I get to see far more children’s TV than I’d actually like.

Recently I decided to take a detour from the regular offering from auntie Beeb, in some vain attempt to save my sanity from the likes of ‘Mr. Tumble’ before I show him how to sign, “I’m gonna rip off your arm and beat you to death with the bloody stump!”

Turns out this was an act of futility. The channel I found myself on, was obviously funded via the use of product placements, rather than by the method of exaction as used by the aforementioned channel. This is where I found ‘Gooey Louie,’ (just in case you thought the title was a reference to ‘Mr Mooshy’ a blog from a couple of weeks ago, it is not.)

Gooey Louie is a kids toy, in which your child shoves their fingers inside a rather large bulbous nose, grabs ahold of a bogie, (or booger, as my friends across the pond would call them), and pulls, and pulls, as the bogie stretches to what I can only assume is half the length of the room, in the hopes that it makes Louie’s eyes pop out of their sockets, and his brain shoot out of his skull, only to splat on the ceiling, and then ooze down upon your children as they laugh and roll around on the floor.

If that wasn’t enough, the next word from their sponsors informed me that I could, if I so wished, purchase a Barbie, with a cat that pisses in a litter tray, and a puppy that actually takes a dump, so that your child can “scoop that poop” and put it in the dust bin supplied.

As you can imagine, my jaw had dropped into my lap by this stage, and what I saw next placed my jaw firmly on the floor, resting nicely betwixt my feet.

The “product”, (and I use that term VERY loosely), that graced my screen was the “LalaLoopsy Diaper Surprise”. Basically, a toy doll that your young un feeds a bottle of water, then they press the dolls navel, and find a lucky charm in the nappy. But wait, that’s not the best bit! The “surprises” you find, can be made into a superb bracelet, that the apple of your eye can then wear around their dainty little wrist.

After the few minutes it took to gather my composure, I did a very foolish thing…I fired up a certain search engine with lots of O’s in its name. And I’m now going to do another, even more foolish thing, and share some of my findings with you…you have been warned.

Sticking with excretions and secretions, this lovely set of cuddly toys will make potty training ‘fun for all the family’.

After seeing this next picture, you can rest assured that my wife is now using the same said search engine, and is currently purchasing one for Xmas/birthday/Easter/Purim/holi/insert random holiday, (real or imagined), as we speak.

Don’t waist your money honey, I will only give it to Eddy. However, if you wish to get a riding crop…😘

Not sure how this next one got into the kids toy section, I think it would be more at home in the golf bag of @AdamReakes.

Is your little demon spawn being a major pain in the arse? Guess this next item will be flying off the shelves!

Okay, things get extremely weird now with a couple of dolls. To be honest, I think I’d rather have a Chuckie doll that actually tries to murder everyone!

I don’t even want to know if the hair actually grows back so that you can keep shaving until you actually hit puberty.

Okay, they were officially too bizarre for words, so I will leave you with the last advert I saw before the Power Rangers started, prompting me to turn the channel back to the British Broadcasting Company. This last product is, according to the stats I’ve seen, the toy that is keeping the little monsters off that naughty step, and on that fat jolly bastards ‘nice list’. The product that all the kids want is a game called “Doggie Doo”. I sh*t you not, (pun very much intended), you feed this delectable dachshund, plasticine bones, then take it in turns to pump an air bag on his collar, a number of times, as selected by a random number generator, called a dice, until the dog deposits the doo-doo out of his derrière. The first child to scoop three poops is the winner.

If you still haven’t found the perfect gift for your loved ones, or if you’re just sick/thirsty for more, the two sites I found most of this crazy, are here, and here. The ones that didn’t quite make it to my top ten, but should have? Look out for Dave Lee Roth, gimp mask, pole dancing, and what’s supposed to be a sled. Sounds like a whole separate blog on its own. 😉

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In the immortal words of the Wyld Stallyns, “Be excellent to each other” and “Party on dude!”

If you enjoy my tomfoolery, why not check out the these side splitting posts.

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Also, be sure to check out all the other great parent bloggers as featured on The Dad Network,  Honest Mum, or
Bod For Tea.